”I don’t know what it means to be alive or have a meaningful life. I’m not interested in others. It’s easier to go through life without interacting with people. My part time job gives me just enough money to eat. That lifestyle good enough for me.
No matter what I always wanted to visit my sister. No matter how sick she became from the cancer. I bought her manga magazines with my meager spare change. I always bought whatever was stacked up at the bookstore, so I’m not sure if I kept buying her the same magazine or not. It could have been different series each time, so it never formed a cohesive story, but even so….. She would always say “thank you bro.”
I wonder what made her so happy? My sister is different from me. She has hope in life. I’m sure she’ll fine a reason to live. But she’s spent the past 2 years in the hospital. Poor girl, I wish I could change places with her since I don’t have any hope or purpose in life.
The pity I felt for her made me visit her. I Just felt so terrible, about the cancer. Then winter came. Although summer is though, working in the winter is a challenge. My fingers feel like they’ll break from the cold. But I kept at it in order to survive. To survive? Why bother? I can’t think about that. I might quit my job if I did. I have to keep this up. I need it to eat. Besides, I need it to buy presents for my sister.
That’s it! I’ll talk to her doctor about letting me take her out on Christmas. I wonder if wheel chairs work in the snow? If not I’ll carry her. I could carry her as far as she liked. I’ll take her shopping and buy anything she wants. I’d like to treat her to a good cake and a nice cafe too. I better save up more money!
I got a second part time job home was just a place to sleep. I Only had 1 concern. My sisters condition was growing progressively worse. She wasn’t given permission to leave so I snuck in her room after visiting hours. And took her out on the town that night.
I’ve been living the life that was finally worthwhile. My reason to live had been right next to me. I just never noticed. Just the way she would say thank you. She keep me alive. Her Gratitude made me feel alive. Just to see her so joyist and appreciative. I was happy.
I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I just realize that. I never did anything for her even though she was so dear to me! She was always hospitalized. She just read whatever manga bought her. That was all, she was happy. That was the entirety of her life And now that I’ve lost her, has my life come to an end? I have been filled with happiness I never knew I had. But those times are over now I have nothing left.
I might be able to find another reason to live. If I can dedicate my life to helping others…….. i was apathetic and lived out of habit. You gave me a reason to live. I died while working towards my dream. I died before accomplished anything! that’s not fair….. There’s no way…… I can’t pass on like this. Hatsune!” - Yuzuru Otonashi